Is This What I Sound Like?

The community college choir that I love singing in went virtual this Fall. The experience of recording myself singing, listening and watching that recording, and then submitting it for others to watch and listen to pretty much pushes all my “I’m not good enough” buttons. And I knew it would.

I’m a filler voice that helps blend the choir, not a voice to be showcased, which is what the virtual experience feels like. But choir is a community of friends that I don’t want to disappoint, so I silence my inner critic and move forward with my first recording assignment, due today.

I have to be cognizant of all background noise. My loud air conditioner on the hottest weekend of the year caused me to record early this morning instead of last night and my grumbling stomach from not having eaten yet caused a retake.

The audience, who is usually so far away, is now in my face. I’m not smiling enough. My eyes look weird when I glance over at my music during the recording. It’s the first time I’ve worn make-up since the start of the pandemic, but if I don’t I look like an ad for wrinkle cream. My room needs to be re-arranged to create a blank white backdrop and I have to set up a “singing station” with a You Tube video that prompts me on one device and a camera that records me on another.

It’s like I’m recording a solo. Every note has to be perfect. My part is too low so I’m even more mediocre than usual. I have to lip sync one of the measures because no matter how many times I practice it I can’t seem to get the notes.

There’s not only camaraderie, but safety singing next to others, and the two combined instill a confidence I don’t feel singing alone. Instead I try to find confidence in a different kind of shared experience for I know I’m not alone in what has become an exercise in learning to accept my imperfect self.

The video is uploaded so there is no turning back. It will be compiled with others to create a virtual choir. I’m proud of myself for doing it, but secretly I’m praying that no one will actually listen to my recording, that it will blend or get lost in the collective. Here’s hoping anyway.