Grounding

July 6: My energy is off today.  I’d like to say it’s the result of a few restless and sleepless nights, but more than likely it’s the blank calendar in front of me.  I’m exactly where I positioned myself to be yet I’m totally uncomfortable with it.  It’s not that I’m without anything to do, it’s that I’m wrestling with what I want to do vs what I should do.  The part of me that wants to enjoy this time is battling with the part of me that says I should be doing something to measure my worth in the eyes of another (or society).  It’s the battle of productivity and stillness.  I just Googled the antonym for productivity, to find a word that fit better than stillness, and the results were disturbing.  Barren, fruitless, idle, impotent, inactive, lethargic, useless, valueless, weak, and worthless are just a few of the words that came up.  No wonder I’m afraid of choosing stillness.

In this state I want to defer to my usual numbing activities — reading (yes, reading can be numbing if done for the wrong reasons), watching television, eating, shopping (though thankfully not always purchasing), avoiding things that are new because they are hard, watching the clock, chores.  We each have our devices.  I’m fighting hard not to succumb, but that makes me even more anxious.

Thankfully I’m learning how to ground myself, how to bring my focus back to the present moment where I am better able to listen to what my heart truly desires instead of all the other incessant chatter.  I’ve tried various things but what seems to work best for me these days is: TRE (tension release exercises), alternate nostril breathing, and standing barefoot in the grass imagining roots below my feet.  I had to use all three today, but I am starting to feel better and for that I’m grateful.  Perhaps tonight I’ll even sleep.